We have an intimate relationship with our phones. We sleep with
them, eat with them and carry them in our pockets. We check them, on average,
47 times a day — 82 times if you’re between 18 and 24 years old.
And we love them for good reason: They tell the weather, the
time of day and the steps we’ve taken. They find us dates entertain us with
music and connect us to friends and family. They answer our questions and quell
feelings of loneliness and anxiety.
But phone love can go too
far — so far that it can interfere with human love — old fashioned face-to-face
intimacy with that living and breathing being you call your partner, spouse,
lover or significant other.
The conflict between
phone love and human love is so common, it has its own lexicon. If you’re
snubbing your partner in favor of your phone it’s called phubbing (phone
+ snubbing). If you’re snubbing a person in favor of any type of technology,
it’s called technoference.
“A key to a healthy relationship is being
present,” said James Roberts, author of “Too Much of a Good Thing: Are You
Addicted to Your Smartphone?”. When one partner constantly checks his or her
phone it sends an implicit message that they find the phone (or what’s on it)
more interesting than you.
In a 2016 study published
in the journal Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 70 percent of women
revealed that smartphones were negatively affecting their primary relationship.
More than one-third of the 143 women in the study said their partner responded
to notifications mid-conversation; one out of four said their partner texted
during conversations. The women who reported high levels of technoference in
interactions with their partners were less happy with their relationships and
with their lives overall.
It’s not just women who
are feeling dissed. Dr. Roberts, who is a professor of marketing at Baylor
University, asked 175 men and women questions
about their partners’ smartphone use. Nearly half of respondents, 46 percent,
reported being phone snubbed (phubbed) by their partner. People who reported
higher levels of phubbing also reported higher levels of relationship conflict.
In our quest to be
connected through technology, we’re tuning out our partners and interrupting a
kind of biological broadband connection.
“People are beginning to
realize that something is amiss,” said Sherry Turkle, an M.I.T. technology
professor .“They don’t necessarily know what to do about it, but they are open
to change.”
Judith Bell, a leadership
coach in Novato, Calif., has noticed that her clients are starting to
respect phone boundaries. “Now they turn off their phones when they are in
session. A few years back, they would let themselves be interrupted.”
Here are some suggested ways to break
up with your phone long enough to connect with your partner.
Designate “no cell” zones in your home. With your
partner, decide which areas of your home, such as the living room and the
kitchen, should be technology-free. And consider eliminating phone use in the
car so that you can use that time to talk to your partner about whatever is on
your mind.
Try a phone-free bedroom for one week. Yes, it’s fun
to check Twitter just before bed, or when you’re sleepless at 2 a.m.
“Buy some old-fashioned alarm clocks
for your bedside table,” Dr. Turkle suggested. “Put your cellphones in a basket
in the kitchen.”
Keep phones off the table. When you’re
eating at home or in a restaurant, keep phones off the table. The mere presence
of a cellphone — with the possibility of it chirping or buzzing at any moment —
can inhibit the free flow of conversation. Researchers examined how
conversations between two people were influenced by cellphones. When a phone
was present during a conversation, the partners rated the conversation as less
fulfilling and reported less feelings of empathic concern than when phones were
absent.
Practice phone etiquette. If you must
look at your phone, announce that you are doing so. “I am just checking the
score/weather/playlist for two minutes,” shows courtesy and indicates to your
partner that you are aware that your attention is shifting. It may also make
you more aware of how often you pick up your phone when your partner is
present.
If your partner’s job demands
round-the-clock availability, discuss reasonable boundaries that would satisfy
both the job and you.
“The big challenge is that people are
not talking about these issues enough,” said Daniel Ellenberg, a
psychotherapist and partner with Ms. Bell in Relationships That Work.
Dr. David Greenfield, a University of
Connecticut psychiatry professor and founder of the Center for Internet and
Technology Addiction developed
a simple quiz, the Smartphone Compulsion Test.
Click HERE to help determine if your
phone use is problematic. Let the score be the judge, rather than you.
